Any advice? I don't want to die

2021.10.20 14:39 givingupiguess Any advice? I don't want to die

I'm currently 41, I've drank off and on since I turned 21, light at first, but then heavy a few years later, like a liter of Jager a night. I ended up in the hospital with my BP at 230/187, my whole body went numb, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move at work. I stayed sober for 2 years, but then went back to it, just not as hard, wine coolers (hate the taste of beer). At about 28 I turned back to hard booze, mainly vodka. I'd buy 1.75 liters and go through it in 3 days, 2 days off, then back to it. I somehow managed to make it like that until I lost my job. Had to quit, which I did, cold turkey, somehow, had klonopin.
After a year, I went back, got bored with life, back to vodka, same as before. Moved on to wine, because it was less hard, and managed that every night for a year. Finally got caught by my family, was forced to quit again, I managed it, not sure how, it was really rough the first 4 days. Once you got caught tho, the cravings seem to go away. Like you don't want to let people down....
I started back up at 39, to get off the alcohol at 40, I turned to a drug called Tianeptine (gas station shit). I was on it for a year, no drinking, and that was the worse withdrawal I've ever had.... but it worked to stop my drinking. The next year, after experiencing such horrible withdrawal, I was sober.... but since the end of August, I've been constantly back on vodka. It has been 2 months, 1.75 liters every 3-4 days, one day, feel like crap, then back on it. I'm scared I've gone too hard this time and if I try to quit, I'm going to get the DT's (never had them before). I do have depression and anxiety, and after 24 hours of not drinking, my anxiety is through the roof and my mind races with horrible thoughts of my impending death. My sleep is off, I sometimes drink during the day, or sleep during the day, I can not function anymore. I don't want to die (yes, I know, I should have worried about this years ago, I'm stupid)
I can't afford to go to rehab, as I now can barely work after f'n up again. I'm afraid if I stop cold turkey, I will die.... but I know if I keep drinking, I will die. What is my best option? My friends and family have lost all hope in me after so many times failing. My liver function was somehow OK after my blood test in July. I need a way out of this. I need some advice. I'm determined to quit, but after 24 hours, I'm just such a mess, I have to drink something. I know that is just an excuse, but I'm scared to death about having a seizure and suffering the DTs. My normal doctor doesn't handle addiction, says it is "too risky", whatever that means. Will just give me clonidine for help with my out of control BP. Says if I have a seizure, just go to the ER. No help with detox. My local hospitals also have no detox unit. The only option I'm giving is to pay $15,000 to spend 15 days in a detox with people sent to jail and have mandatory rehab, the place has horrible reviews. Plus, I don't have $15,000.
Any help, advice, wisdom would be greatly appreciated. BTW, I've never done any illegal drugs, just the gas station shit (Tianeptine) and alcohol. I didn't think it was that bad, but it is THAT bad.
submitted by givingupiguess to alcoholism [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:39 Bortsketball CL - SPICY [Rap]

CL - SPICY [Rap] submitted by Bortsketball to HypeJams [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:39 StreetBeastHypeWear Chris Brown on Kyrie Irving: “The real hero! I stand with my brother, whoever don’t like it, go live your damn life. It’s his choice and a damn good one! Always in my brother’s corner”

Chris Brown took to his Instagram story to post his thoughts regarding Kyrie Irving. Can’t say anyone is surprised about this one.
submitted by StreetBeastHypeWear to nba [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:39 UpgradeRenegade [Method] Having an accountabilabuddy to help you stay on track.

Hey there,
Basically I am looking for someone that has been trying to change their behaviour in some aspect of their life, or maybe just completely over hall and change every area of how you're living.
I am by no mean perfect myself, but I have been studying techniques and trying them out for years and i thought it would be fun to help someone for a month try and start to change.
My idea is that I would help you with a plan and hold you accountable to it, we could chat on a daily basis and you can tell me how you're getting on and what problems you're facing and i can offer you some suggestions for how to deal with them.
Im open to ideas and Im not trying to sell any thing, Im just looking to help no strings attached.
I can talk here on reddit dms or chat, or on discord or wherever works well for both of us.
I am in the uk so if your time zone is close to mine that would be ideal, but it's not a huge problem of not, might just take me a bit longer to respond sometimes if i'm asleep.
submitted by UpgradeRenegade to getdisciplined [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 VenaticisVoid [WP] You are of alien origin. Having traveled extensively during millennia, you arrive near earth and are amused by the species therein. As as sort of test to yourself, you would like to take over all political control of the world in exchange for unimaginable technology that would likely end..

Human suffering as it is known today.
submitted by VenaticisVoid to WritingPrompts [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 Bortsketball CL - Lover Like Me [Pop]

CL - Lover Like Me [Pop] submitted by Bortsketball to HypeJams [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 CarCU131 The Cook Ch 14

All credit for creating the incredible SSB universe goes to u/BlueFishcakes, he is very kind to let us play around in it with him.
I’m sorry it’s such a short chapter today after having waited so long. Also, I’ll admit that I’m going into areas I know less about. Things like how a production kitchen may actually run and the mindset of soldiers, etc. So I’m trying to balance what I know with telling a good story. I hope I don’t get things so wrong as to offend anyone. Please know that is never my intention. Thanks again for your readership.

First Prev
I was sad to leave the girls after all the time I’ve been with them, but it was nice to be back at work. While my life seems to have changed for the better, it’s still been a whole lot of change. When I stepped into the restaurant, I realized how much I needed to have something that hadn’t changed. The smell, the lighting, just the feeling of the place was more home to me than my parents’ house had ever been. The revelation hits me hard. I stand just inside the door for a moment and let it sink in. Home is where the heart is. Do I have two homes?
Karen, our hostess, is getting the front of house ready for the lunch service. I came in later than usual. When you come in to cook for the lunch service, you normally arrive several hours before the front-of-house staff. Is Karen dressed differently today? Sexier? Maybe it is just the pills, my mental change. No, she typically wears short sleeve blouses. Today she is wearing something that has shoulder straps and is showing more cleavage than she normally does. She’s always been pretty, long dark wavy hair, thin but still curvy. She is near Toni’s height but doesn’t have any of her raw sex appeal. Karen’s looks are one of the reasons she is our hostess. She does the job very well. You can say anything you want, but pretty or handsome hosts always sell.
“Mike! Your back sooner than I would have thought. I heard you were hurt pretty bad. I guess it wasn’t as bad as Mark was saying.” It’s been hard for me to know where I stand with Karen. People say she is nice but often add that she can be a bit bitchy sometimes. Today is no different as her tone sounds a little upset.
“No, I was hurt pretty bad. I was lucky to be found by some Shil’vati Marines. They patched me up.” I don’t know why I’m telling her half-truths. After what happened, I guess I’m not ready to talk about my alien girlfriends.
Girlfriends! Holy shit! I have girlfriends, plural, three.” I am both jump in the air, fist-pumping, ecstatic, and run and hide under the table, scared by this. I never thought I’d have one person care about me, let alone three. How do I handle three?
To avoid going into greater detail, I head into the kitchen. I smile at the sights, sounds, activity, all so very familiar. I wonder if this is how athletes feel when they can get back out on the field after an injury. Mark spots me and comes over, and hugs me. Mark’s Italian, so hugs aren’t exactly rare; holiday parties, if he’s been away on vacation, you may get a hug. In the past, it’s felt uncomfortable. I worried about what I should be doing, how I should feel, if it was just for show, my mind was overloaded with thoughts and fears. Today it just feels warm and friendly, and my mind is so much quieter.
“Mike, let’s talk in my office for a minute.” Mark’s back into boss mode and doesn’t even look to see if I’m following him, knowing that I am.
He closes the door behind me and motions for me to sit down. It’s a small office, just enough space for a desk and two chairs. The walls are lined with shelves of cookbooks, binders, and stacks of paper. On his desk are more papers, a lamp, and his laptop. It’s neat and organized but very overcrowded.
“Do you feel ready to come back? From the way Or’Notia described what happened to you, I thought you’d be out longer.”
“The Shil’vati have some impressive medical science. My hand will take a little bit more time to heal. Mainly I have to stretch everything back out again. I won’t be able to cook for another week or so.” I reply, flexing my hand and realizing how stiff it is. It aches a little too, maybe from making the pancakes earlier.
“Mark, ah, thanks for everything.”
“It’s okay Mike, you’re an important member of the team, and the restaurant is family. We take care of each other.” Mark pauses for a second and fixes me with a probing gaze. “Any idea who did it? Why?”
The laugh and a Cheshire cat smile I’d known all my life flash into my mind. “I don’t know who did it. He was wearing a hoody.” Why am I protecting him? “But I know why. It’s because of the girls.” I clear my throat. “I mean Marines.”
Mark smiles, “It sounds like they have taken more than a passing interest in you, and you in them. I’ve seen men get distracted in the kitchen before. I figured that’s what it was.” Mark's gaze turns serious again. “Is it, are they, worth it? It could happen again. It could be worse.”
I pause for a moment and think about it. It felt like I had been dead before. “Yes, I think it is.” I shift around in my seat, unsure if I should go on.
“There’s something else….” I’m not sure why I’m telling Mark. He doesn’t absolutely need to know, but he’s done so much for me. I think he’s been in my corner for a lot longer than I realized. He’s been more of a father or mentor than my own dad. “You know how I am. The way that I am. My problems.” I can’t help but look down at my feet as I say it.
“Yeah, Mike, I’ve been worried about you. Some nights I’ve worried if I’d be seeing you the next day.” His voice is tense, and I can hear the concern in it. “But you seem different today,” he says, his voice brightening.
“So, when they were fixing me up, they noticed that I had chronic depression. That my problems stem from both my mind's chemistry and my behaviors. They were able to give me something to help me. I still have to try to break my habits, but my chemistry is all fixed.”
“Just like that?” Mark's tone is one of disbelief.
“Just like that,” I reply with a smile. “Space magic to the rescue.”
“What do you mean by fixed your chemistry? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Honestly, I’m just curious. When you get to be my age, most people have had a brush with depression at least once, if not a few times. Not as severe as yours, mind you.”
“Not sure I can explain it. So much has been going on I haven’t stopped to really think about it that much. There used to be this voice and this feeling. I know how that sounds, but I wasn’t schizophrenic or anything. It was just a part of me that would always put me down, belittle me. The feeling alone with it; I was tired, maybe it was hopelessness.” It’s easy for me to remember how it all felt. Strange that I would have said it was normal just a few days ago. “All of it felt so very real. Any argument I’d make against it seemed so weak. Now the feeling isn’t there, and the voice doesn’t seem as loud or as real. It’s easier for me to argue against it.”
“Wow, I hope they put that stuff on the market soon. It would help a lot of people.” Mark’s words made me think.
How do they decide what advances they are going to give to us?
“Yeah,” I said, pausing. “So what can I do if I can’t cook?”
“Work with John. He’s a good kid ah guy, sorry.” I smiled, to Mark we were all kids. He tries hard never to put us down or anything like that. “He’s got the drive, but he needs help locking in the fundamentals. I want to be able to depend on him like I depend on you.” I can feel the heat in my face; I’m sure I must be blushing. I’m still not used to hearing praise like that. “I don’t know why that would be a shock. I’ve told you that before.”
“Yeah, well,” What the hell do I call the voice in my head? “The demon in my head made it a lot harder for me to hear it. I’m sorry about that.” I take a deep breath. There’s something I’ve always wanted to tell him, but I thought he wouldn’t care, that it wouldn’t matter. Right now, it feels like the most important thing I can say to him. “I’m also sorry I never thanked you for everything you’ve done for me. Giving me the chance to work here, training me. I love cooking, and I learned that here.” We are both tearing up a little.
“Well, get out there and start working with John. I’ll be out in a minute.” Mark says, back into boss mode.
I walk out of Mark’s office and look around for John. He and Tom are talking loudly as they prep chicken and meatballs, respectively. Tom is shorter than John, which isn’t surprising; no one in the kitchen is truly taller than him. Tom has blond hair, is stick thin, and is covered with tattoos. He regularly complains that at 35, he is running out of canvas for his self-expression.
“John, Mark’s told me to work with you and teach you what I know,” I confirm, looking across the stainless-steel worktable at the two of them.
“Yeah, thanks for helping me out,” John replies, looking back down to concentrate on the chicken he is breaking down. He looks back up after a few cuts, “You’re looking pretty good for getting the shit kicked out of you.”
“Yeah, I got lucky; Marines found me. They have top-notch medicine.” I flash a look over at Tom. He had been in the Army for a few years after High School, a Ranger, I think. He often told stories of boot camp. The kind of stories that made you worry about who they were putting in charge of big guns and high explosives. Would he be okay with me being rescued by the aliens who took over the world and killed so many soldiers while doing it?
John gets a knowing glint in his eye, “So, I hear it was those three sexy space babes that came in here a few weeks ago. The ones you were getting friendly with.” I couldn’t help but stiffen.
Tom must have seen my reaction. He started speaking without really looking away from his work, “Look man, don’t worry about it. One thing the service taught me, a soldier is a person, even the enemy. You can get mad at an army or a government, but the little people….” He shrugs, “Yeah, we got fucked, and now there’s a new person at the top calling the shots. But it was just a matter of time. The Romans did it; the British did it; then we did. Now they're doing it. The world keeps on turning. So, I may not want to date them, but I can understand the appeal.” Tom often surprises me. You’d think a Ranger would be a lot more, I don’t know, intense, but Tom tends to be very laid back. Still, when I watch him with a knife, I can’t help but wonder what he could do or may have done to a person with a knife.
“So, do you have yourself a little harem action going on?” John asks with a sly grin.
“Hey, it’s not like that.” I quickly answer, maybe a little faster than I should have.
“Yet,” Tom says, looking up from his meatballs. I can feel myself blushing again as they laugh.
“Assholes,” I can’t think of anything else to say.
It makes them laugh even louder. Is this how it feels to cut up with people? Did I have friends at work? Had I always had friends?
They finish the prep, and we are hard into the lunch rush when Karen steps into the kitchen. She spots me looking at her and waves me over to her. Karen never comes into the kitchen during the lunch or dinner rush.
“Got someone out front who wants a meatball sub and to talk to you when it’s ready,” She says to me with a smile.
I set to work making the sub, wondering which girl was stopping in for lunch. All three of them have patrol today, so it could be any one of them. A meatball sub seems like an Or’Notia thing. I think Toni would order pasta or maybe a calzone; whatever E’Vet ordered would have included bacon.
I always enjoy my work but knowing the sub was for one of them made it special. I finish the order and head out front; I can’t keep the bounce out of my step. It’s only been a few hours. I can’t believe I miss them so much already.
I turn the corner and see a Cheshire cat smile, and I hear the laugh. Fear grips my heart, and my body stops as my brain tries to deal with the panic.
“Hey, Bro…”
submitted by CarCU131 to Sexyspacebabes [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 CriminologyRapz For those of you who are also in a city that has slowed down, What changes have you made, if any?

For example, I used to strictly do $2 per mile. And it seems I'm going to have to start being more flexible. Certain restaurants that were blacklisted, I might go again. Or I used to do $6-7 minimum... Might need to change that up also
submitted by CriminologyRapz to UberEATS [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 ORACLE02000 Orakuru

Orakuru submitted by ORACLE02000 to glitchart [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 Fab_4ever Viva Las Vegas

Next trip to Vegas, I can wager on sports, play the slots, pick up a show girl, buy a pack of TAATs, get smashed and find whatever other vice is available.
submitted by Fab_4ever to ASMEunfiltered [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 Craiglfc07 WE GET IT YOU'RE BUYING A PIXEL 6

submitted by Craiglfc07 to oneplus [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 cobalthour Junko Yagami - Be My Best Friend (1980)

Junko Yagami - Be My Best Friend (1980) submitted by cobalthour to truecitypop [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 Big_Hick If I didn't think I was scary before ↓

I'm sitting at the end of a twelve seat lunch table and a guy was looking for a seat put his stuff down on the table, looked at me grabbed his stuff and left. Fuck my life
submitted by Big_Hick to teenagers [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 Stormfalk Looking for Matthews review (xfactor)

Anyone using him on C mind sharing their experiences? Casual player here, so its kind of a big commitment to start uppgrading him to Max.
submitted by Stormfalk to NHLHUT [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 o_O-JBL Another Leftist Myth Debunked: Stats Show More COVID Deaths on Biden's Watch Than Trump's

Another Leftist Myth Debunked: Stats Show More COVID Deaths on Biden's Watch Than Trump's submitted by o_O-JBL to FuckTheAltWrong [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 AlBalts Miriam M. Lexmann, @MiriamMLex, 12:31 #Taiwan is a democratic ally facing unprecedented pressure from the totalitarian Chinese Communist Party (#CCP).We must stand with Taiwan, but also develop and strengthen our relations. Read my remarks during yesterday’s EP plenary debate on EU-Taiwan relations

Miriam M. Lexmann, @MiriamMLex, 12:31 #Taiwan is a democratic ally facing unprecedented pressure from the totalitarian Chinese Communist Party (#CCP).We must stand with Taiwan, but also develop and strengthen our relations. Read my remarks during yesterday’s EP plenary debate on EU-Taiwan relations submitted by AlBalts to europe [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 Beautiful-Ad-2335 I HODL AMC and the Gamer Store! I don’t understand the division, come someone explain?

I’m not a Gamer but I like the Gamer stock, I don’t really like because I always fall asleep but I like the AMC stock. Because of the meaning behind them both. Not fundamentals! That’s why I HODL!
At the end of the day, everyone have their reasons WHY they HODL, but hating someone for holding a curtain stock makes you worst than the system that oppressed and manipulate both stocks.
All People Equal, doesn’t revolve around AMC or the Gamer Store. It’s means Retail Investors are tired of a system that only benefits only the wealthy and well connected investors, when it should be fair and open to all.
I beg ALL APES to cut that bullshit out and respect another person decision! Fuqk it man I’m tired of seeing all that division bull shit!
submitted by Beautiful-Ad-2335 to amcstock [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 UltraLynch Friend me dared to post here. What do you think my age is?

Friend me dared to post here. What do you think my age is? submitted by UltraLynch to teenagers [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 Whole_Argument_9501 What is your rice purity test score and how old are you?

submitted by Whole_Argument_9501 to AskMen [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 sgeorgeshap TG 13 iPhone 13 Giveaway!!! (3/31/2022) {??}

TG 13 iPhone 13 Giveaway!!! (3/31/2022) {??} submitted by sgeorgeshap to giveaways [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 JasonK32 Task based vs project based work options

Hi there,
I am looking for a remote work opportunity that can be task based and not project based (no time commitment).
My plan is to travel abroad next year and volunteer on the side.
The job will fund my living expenses, but will not be my primary employment. Therefore, the job will need to be timed to coincide with my volunteer projects.
I expect to earn between $1,000 and $1,200 per month to cover my living expenses, including flights.
I've been reading a lot about remote work opportunities. Most people seem to be doing classic freelance work: Design, marketing, software development, virtual assistance. These jobs can pay well, but require building relationships with clients over time. And when they do pay well, these jobs often last for weeks or months (project-by-project).
I'm looking for something like drive Uber - get online and start working. Something where I can decide if I have 3 more hours to work on a given day. Without the commitment to respond to clients and their needs or requests during the day.
People recommend jobs like data entry, translation, copywriting platforms. But honestly, reading reviews on the internet, these jobs seem to pay less than 15 USD per hour. Often even less than 10 USD per hour. It seems like people use these jobs to earn some pocket money while living with their parents. I can't imagine how you can earn a full salary unless you live in a low-income part of the world. But even nomads living in a place like Thailand report needing at least a few hundred dollars a month,
Long story short. What kind of job is task-based rather than project-based and pays at least $20 per hour?
My background: worked in project management/business development for a few years. I have no skill or knowledge of marketing, design or coding.
submitted by JasonK32 to freelance [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 Robberoid [For Hire] Commissions are open. I draw different characters, cute animal, fan arts, OC and Stickes. My portfolio in comments.

[For Hire] Commissions are open. I draw different characters, cute animal, fan arts, OC and Stickes. My portfolio in comments. submitted by Robberoid to commissions [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 Intelligent_Lie_ Ny norsk discord, VIP er gratis, men man må sende noe for å komme inn.

submitted by Intelligent_Lie_ to Norgenudes [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 Bortsketball CL - Chuck [Hip Hop]

CL - Chuck [Hip Hop] submitted by Bortsketball to HypeJams [link] [comments]

2021.10.20 14:38 amar9163 Call of duty mobile br

submitted by amar9163 to CallOfDutyMobile [link] [comments]